tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3512644569309593651.post5478880342344853552..comments2023-09-16T07:22:38.105-05:00Comments on Keeping Her Cool: Food For Thought Friday: Talking To Your Children About DeathColleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17681823790863039856noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3512644569309593651.post-41500407582698635562011-04-18T13:56:02.912-05:002011-04-18T13:56:02.912-05:00I wish people would be more comfortable talking wi...I wish people would be more comfortable talking with kids about death - at their level.<br /><br />I have worked with kids my whole life and through that my mom had many honorary grandkids. At my mom's wake, one of them came up and asked me if "Jan" was in the box. (She had been cremated and was in a small wooden box.) <br /><br />The adult I was chatting with totally freaked out that this four year old came up and asked me if Jan was in the box. I was startled at how upset the adult seemed.<br /><br />I just calmly answered, "Yes, Jan is in the box, but her soul is in heaven." The little girl just smiled and walked away. She wasn't asking for the gory details, just wanted to be sure.<br /><br />Kids just need the basics. Give them the basics, just like you mentioned.Saranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3512644569309593651.post-34783349562938022312011-04-16T20:36:11.976-05:002011-04-16T20:36:11.976-05:00I have just a few very concrete memories about my ...I have just a few very concrete memories about my early experiences with the concept of death. I remember attending my great grandpa's burial, and I remember my mother being so angry with his death that she kicked a hole in her bedroom door. But mostly I remember hearing the story-- some years later-- of my sister Katie at the visitation.<br /><br />Katie is about 3 years younger than me, so she must have been about 3 when Grandpa Pete died. The story goes like this: At the visitation, Katie (not knowing any better) kissed the body of our late great grandpa. I imagine she was startled by how cold he was. Moreover, my great grandma Alice went up to Katie and told her that Grandpa Pete was sleeping. Katie, quite startled, looks at her and says, "Grandma Alice, Grandpa Pete DIED!" as if no one had explained it to the poor woman. It seems pretty clear from this that young children are more capable of understanding and accepting death than we often give them credit for. At 3, Katie may not have had much experience with death, or known what to expect, or what social behaviors were in order, but she did understand that death was different from sleep, and that our Grandpa Pete wasn't coming back.<br /><br />As a passing thought, I happened to wonder how my mother or sister would feel about me sharing this story. Next, I wondered what it would be like to grow up having my mother tell stories about me on a blog. Then I remembered that because my mom is a pastor, she's been telling stories about us in her sermons for about 15 years. You've probably heard several such stories, like the one where my sister got lost driving around the metro area for over an hour, during what should have been a 15-20 minute drive home. :PLaura Windelsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3512644569309593651.post-65006196903181893102011-04-16T07:55:07.724-05:002011-04-16T07:55:07.724-05:00I agree that you have to talk to your children abo...I agree that you have to talk to your children about the death of siblings. (My twins were my first pregnancy) My living children know about their brothers who are in heaven. They go to the cemetary with me. They get to pick out the flag or decorations we bring. They say prayers for their brothers out of their own need, not my urging.<br /><br />It is heartbreaking and a relief all at the same time that they know. But I couldn't keep it a secret. It wouldn't be fair to them that the family has some big secret they can't know about.<br /><br />My son (now 10) will often talk about the brothers and comment on how if they lived, we would have a really big family. He is being sweet and sincere about it.<br /><br />He and his sister often have questions. I tell them as openly as I can and with what I feel they need to know. No sugar coating, but in simple terms. Usually something like, "Your brothers died in mom's tummy. I don't know why, sometimes God decides things we don't understand." They even like to look at the pictures we have.<br /><br />One of the most heartbreaking comments he has ever made, makes me smile and cry all at the same time. He said this with the total sincerity only a small child can use, but he would say, "Mom, aren't you glad that I didn't die in your tummy?" My answer is always a resounding YES and a gigantic hug! I love that kid.<br /><br />Thanks for your posts as always!Colleen A.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3512644569309593651.post-70402530433047015592011-04-15T08:28:48.808-05:002011-04-15T08:28:48.808-05:00We've had many similar conversations. Sarah i...We've had many similar conversations. Sarah is still a part of our family, even though she's not here. And since we haven't hidden it away, it's not a traumatic thing for them. Again, thank you for talking about this.Annehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15667772171360379262noreply@blogger.com