Bona Fide Member of the Clean Slate Club

It’s been a helluva week. In short, two sick twins (seven month old sick people are not very good at telling you what’s wrong), multiple trips to various doctors, and a three year old (who is getting ever closer to four) who would like to have a little attention of his own (who also spiked a fever, just this morning). Oh, and on top of it all, my back is in full on spasm, and I am now blogging from a supine and highly medicated state (don’t worry, my main squeeze – who also has a fever - is home and caring for our offspring). It’s been a week full of tear your hair out moments, a handful of “oh, they are so sweet when they need me” moments, a pinch of “can I get some space of my own” moments, wrapped in a whole lot of “I’m not sure I have what it takes to do this, but I have no choice” moments.

In my experience, the busier and more hectic life gets, the more it wears on my self confidence. I find myself wondering how I got picked for this job (being a mom is not for the faint of heart, being a mom of multiples REALLY isn’t for the faint of heart or spirit) and if I have the energy, knowledge, resources, imagination, etc. to do the job well. When we found out we were expecting twins, you’d be surprised how many people’s first reaction was, “your screwed.” That really hurt. You see, Matt and I have had the rug pulled out from under us a lot. Our first daughter died of SIDS, our second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, our fourth pregnancy resulted in the loss of another daughter due to a fatal chromosomal abnormality at 20 weeks of pregnancy. All of those times, we felt “screwed”. When we got the news of twins, the word “screwed” never entered our minds. We thought we would be “challenged,” and “busy,” and even “full of joy.” But “screwed?” Not so much. Before the twins were born, I created a mantra, “do it well, and do it with a good attitude.” I was bound and determined to show all those people who thought we were “screwed” exactly how not “screwed” we were. I promised myself to not let it show when the going got tough – knowing full well that time would come. Well, here I am. The going is tough, and I’m letting it show.

I believe that there are two types of people in this world; those who put their foot on the gas when they encounter a yellow light, and those who prefer prompt use of the brake. I am the latter. I figure, if I stop I’ll be avoiding further traffic jams ahead. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the way I’ve approached this parenting gig. Partly out of necessity (the way you figure things out is to, as Nike says, just do it), and partly out of this ridiculous personal need to prove that I can do it. Gosh, I feel like I’m complaining. That’s not what I mean to do at all. What I mean to do is illuminate the importance of putting the brake on when you see the yellow light. When my three year old was learning about colors, they used the stop lights to help them with red, yellow, and green. One day we were in the car coming home from school, and he spotted a yellow light ahead. He pointed and exclaimed, “yellow means WARNING!!!” There’s a reason that the yellow light signals a red light, the yellow light tells you to slow down, because your next move is to rest, wait, notice, get your bearings, and look for the “all clear” of the green light.

We all have yellow lights in our path daily, I am challenging you to notice your yellow lights. Wait, don’t just NOTICE them, OBEY them. This is the challenge. If we don’t obey them, we will certainly find ourselves in the midst of a traffic jam (sometimes a small one, sometimes an epic one – like the one at the Lindstrom home right now).

So, I’m in the traffic jam, and it’s mighty hard to see what’s up ahead right now, especially since we’re in total gridlock. Will our path be cleared in the morning? I don’t know. I am going to make a choice, though. Tomorrow is a new day, and I am going to wake up and start over. I’ll be the President of the Clean Slate Club. But while I’m stuck here, I’ll pay attention to all the yellow lights I didn’t obey on the way, so that I don’t make that mistake again.