Here was my facebook status today:
If you ever feel like a horrible mother, give me a call, I'll make you feel like a million bucks. That's a promise.
As I look back on the day... maybe it wasn't so bad, but it was definitely funny. I have a solid rule that if you're going to laugh about something later on, you should laugh about it now, so... I'm laughing. I'd like for you to laugh too, at my expense.
(Full disclosure, Mr. Lindstrom just read over timing, and was all Oprah to my James Frey. So, I will note, times are approximate - and this is my version of today's events).
7:30 am - My husband has to wake me up because I have been up the greater portion of the evening suffering as a result of a dinner date out on the town with said husband. I'm not going to lie, we were at a dinner with a bunch of strangers that was served communal style. Number one on the list of things that I both hate and am not good at: Small talk with strangers. When the lady across the table from me started judging me for keeping my cell phone at the ready for constant contact with my babysitter, I may have made some poor choices regarding wine consumption. BTW, in the modern days of cell phones - I fully endorse moms keeping their cell phones silent and on the table for contact with babysitters. I fully recognize that this was no way to handle my woes. However, damage done... moving on...
8:00 am - Everyone around the breakfast table, eating together. Feels pretty good - 'cause we're on schedule... for now.
8:15 am - (almost) 4 year-old arguing with me about going to preschool. Hint: He "doesn't want to go." My position in this debate: Yes, you do.
8:30 am - as I'm removing each twin from their highchair, I smell a familiar odor. Uh-Oh, this odor comes with a mess. BLOW-OUT X 2!!!! (Oh yeah, and we're supposed to be in the car right now).
8:33 am - in record time, both babies with fresh diapers and fresh outfits.
8:35 am - (almost) 4 year-old arguing with me about the character on his underwear. (This, only after I realized that when he dressed himself earlier, he had opted for the never offered "no underwear" option.)
8:45 am - getting into the car. Three children are crying.
9:05 am - 5 minutes late to school. Drop Twinstroms off at their morning program.
9:07 am- walking down the hall and into the preschool where (almost) 4 year-old attends, director reminds me of open house with refreshments in fellowship hall.
9:08 am - drop (almost) 4 year-old off at his classroom, and then run quickly back to the car. Consciously skipping open house (even though the refreshments sound lovely).
9:30 am - arrive home. Skipping gym workout in favor of a nap (see 7:30 am wake-up call).
11:05 am - cell phone alarm goes off. I "press snooze."
11:30 am - oops. That wasn't "snooze." That was "off." phone rings. Another mother/friend, calling to tell me that she's stuck in traffic. OH SHIT, thanks for calling, or else I wouldn't have WOKEN UP. Supposed to be at school NOW to pick the kids up. It is a 15 minute (if the wind is blowing correctly and I hit EVERY green light) drive.
11:31 am - Front door unlocked, dog un-kennelled and left to pee freely in my home. Driving. On the parkway. Speed Limit 25. My speed 40. Call husband. "Hi, call school and tell them I'm running late, please." He says, "Do you know the number?" I say, "NO. THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING YOU!"
11:45 am - haven't fixed my hair since I woke up. Run into mother/friend who woke me up with phone call. We laugh (mostly at my hair, but also at the situation). I breeze in and pick up kids. Apologize profusely. Nod apologetically when they make note of the traffic (does that count as a lie?)
noon - almost home, but have passed a McDonalds, Burger King, and Wendy's. (Almost) 4 year-old is YELLING at me to stop so he can eat. (Note to self: stop buying this kid fast food).
12:25 pm - Everyone is in the house (it takes at least 2 trips), and at their kitchen table spots. Short order cook (me) is making lunch. (Almost) 4 year-old reminds me that my cooking doesn't resemble that of Ronald McDonald (thanks. See note to self, above).
1:00 pm - Thank God we made it through lunch with minimal sacrifice in the way of clothing.
1:15 pm - Twins sleeping. Argument begins with (almost) 4 year-old about what our afternoon plans will entail. Settling on reading a book together.
2:00 pm - book we are reading contains the words, "booger face."
2:01 pm - (almost) 4 year-old has discovered a new term.
2:02 pm - I'm ready to run away from home if I hear the words "booger face" one more time.
4:00 pm - Everyone's up, at 'em, and LOUD.
4:05 pm - (almost) 4 year-old has called both is brother and his sister, "booger face." I can't entirely blame him. They are kind of boogery.
4:25 pm - husband emails me about details regarding the day that the (almost) 4 year-old turns (actually) 4.
4:30 pm - I share details with (almost) 4 year-old. (Train ride, etc.)
4:31 pm - MELTDOWN. (Almost) 4 year-old does not want to ride train. He wants to have birthday at our house. He does not understand me when I tell him that that means I have to clean. What is this cleaning that you speak of, Mom????
5:00 pm - husband arrives home.
5:05 pm - short order cook prepares 4 separate meals for 5 separate people. (I take the blame. This needs to stop).
6:00 pm - Bath time. I blow up the Twinstroms bath apparatus with my mouth (it's a little ducky, and we haven't used it before because they couldn't really both sit up confidently. FINALLY we're good in that department, and this way the (almost) 4 year-old can bathe with them).
6:05 pm - Almost pass out due to above noted blowing up of bath apparatus. (Note to self: Don't skip the gym workout in favor of the nap.)
6:10 pm - Twinstroms = clean.
6:11 pm - (almost) 4 year-old is using all his usual words to tell me how angry he is that I got soap in his eyes. "Mom, I don't love you." "Mom, you are not the best." "Mom, that was really not cute."
6:30 pm - Twinstroms sleeping.
7:05 pm - (almost) 4 year-old sleeping.
7:30 pm - Now planning 4 year-old birthday party which simulates a train ride, but is NOT an actual train ride. AT OUR MESSY DAYCARE HOUSE. Trying not to cry. Remembering that this is for him, and not me, but still feeling supremely inadequate.
7:45 pm - order invitations from etsy and only after placing the order, realize that the shopkeeper has at least a 3 week turnaround. (Party on October 23).
7:47 pm - Write pleading email. Promising extra money, and other favors, though they are currently undefined.
9:00 pm - 3rd glass of wine. Yup. And I'm not ashamed to admit it!