Manic-Monday Blogarrhea

- You know, there was a time when families had lots of children because they were essentially building a staff for their farm. I am wondering how long it’s going to be before my kids are actually working FOR me rather than against me.

- I’ve recently been fascinated by Chad Ochocinco. I guess he plays football. Since I don’t care about sports, I had to google that. I just keep hearing his name, so I called my husband the other day and asked, “Is Chad Ochocinco’s real name Chad Ochocinco?” Mr. Lindstrom said, “yeah.” I said, “I suppose his number is 85 (ha ha ha).” Mr. Lindstrom replied, “Yes, he changed his name from Chad Johnson to Ochocinco.”

Okay, A) it turns out that my husband didn’t understand my initial question – I wanted to know if Chad Ochocinco’s BIRTH name was Ochocinco (and seriously, shame on me for thinking that it actually was). B) While I think that Ochocinco is a way kick ass-er name than Johnson (no offense to any Johnsons out there), C) I cannot believe the massive douche-baggery it takes to legally change your surname to your jersey number. This guy not only takes the douche-bag cake, he bakes it, frosts it, goes to a party with a cakewalk, lands on ocho and cinco, wins his OWN cake, and then eats it.

The other thing that really irritates me is that “ochocinco” doesn’t even mean eighty-five. It means eight five. But, just for fun, let’s consider what his name would be had he not chosen Spanish. Eight Five in German: acht fünf, in Japanese: hatchi go, and my personal favorite, Greek: ogdónta pénte. I suppose when you want the world to know how much you love the numbers eight and five, it’s best to use a more widely understood language, but it’s important not to be too overt and choose English.

- Martha Stewart and I are in a fight. For a lot of reasons. Today, the reason is because she always makes things look so much easier than they actually are. All I wanted to do was make a nice little gift for some friends and their new babies. “Oh, those little arrangements that look like bouquets, but are really baby clothes rolled up to look like flowers are so cute, I’ll try that.” Google: Martha Stewart baby clothes bouquet, watch a simple you tube video, and five minutes later, I’m on my way to making this super easy project. Yeah well, it turned out like a big ol’ mess o’ shit. And I followed the directions to. the. letter. Her projects should come with a disclaimer. I propose this: “You are an inferior person, and will likely not be able to execute my creative projects with the ease that I display. If you accept that, and are aware that what YOU make will probably look like crap, please proceed.” And then I would just not make her silly projects but still feel superior because I don’t have a felony on my record.

- I actually believe that there is a correct way to hang toilet paper. Frankly, I am not a very uppity person in general, but I get uppity about the TP. So, for the record, if you are ever in my house this is how the TP will be hung. And if I am on my way to visit you, if the toilet paper isn’t hung like this, I’m going to change it:

Consider yourself warned.

- Babies are so frickin’ lucky. The have cellulite on their butts and it’s cute. They never wear make-up and they’re still adorable. Most of them have male pattern baldness and everyone LOVES it! Not to mention the fact that they have one, often TWO people who respond to their EVERY whim. So, I’ve decided, I kind of want to be a baby when I grow up.